Choice

My intention is to write an article only when I sense I have something worth reading. That can lead to a gap, a pause, a hiatus, and any of them can set me wondering why I suddenly have nothing to say.

Then, out of the blue, a catalyst appears from an unexpected direction. This time, a newspaper article: one of those ‘dilemma’ pieces, although rather more sophisticated than the average agony aunt/uncle slop.

It reminded me of a very regular feature of my coaching practice over the decades: choice. We so often fail to recognise, or remember, that we nearly always have a choice in how we respond, even in the most stressful situations. Instead, we become ‘stuck in automatic’.

We’re human, after all.

That seems to me to be the case with the protagonist here, although, as you’ll see, he doesn’t exactly come across as a sympathetic character:

If we believe in helping people to be at their very best, if our starting point is that everyone can improve (until proven otherwise) then this leads us to a place which, for me, is fascinating. One or two of my comments appear below the line and I’d like to expand upon them here.

Aspirational vs remedial

Like many of my peers in the coaching world, those of us who have been around the block a few times and set out to be unswervingly ethical, my work is generally aspirational. I learned very quickly to say “No” to remedial coaching assignments: those where a company has largely given up on someone and wants to show it offered the support of a coach along the way or, worse, hopes the coach will help rid the organisation of the person.

No thank you.

That said, aspirational coaching can contain remedial elements. Executive behaviours that have never been addressed. “One of our best people in many respects but boy do they **** people off too often”. Or even what Adrian Furnham calls corporate psychopaths.

(For the avoidance of doubt,  working with genuine psychopaths is truly beyond my professional capability.)

So what might  a remedial element look like?

Well…

How often have we heard the comment “they’re truly great with clients, indeed clients love him, but plenty of our talented staff refuse to work with them”?  I suspect your mind immediately turns to someone in your organisation, fairly or unfairly.

The ‘choice’ bit

The chap in the article is behaving terribly, on his wife’s account at least.  Unless he is truly in a very small minority, I imagine he would not behave like that in front of a client or if he were to meet King Charles, even if he were agitated about something.  

This is a crucial point for me as it indicates that we have choice in how we react; we have agency. If we are able to choose our reactions and behaviours, if we can control them, in some situations then naturally we can in others.

I’m not setting myself up as a paragon of virtue: I get this wrong myself. My mind turns to how I reacted when a cyclist nearly mowed me down recently as they sailed through a red light. I was not the best version of myself – to say the least.

But in the coaching room, where all my training and experience comes into play, I choose to be interested even on the rare occasions when the interaction shifts to a difficult place, when the coachee is aggressive (this happens) and then I absolutely choose my response – after I pause to reflect upon what their behaviour may be telling me.

Pause.

Reflect.

A key element of tackling this is working to be more conscious, to slow down. This isn’t the place for a deep exploration of the workings of the brain but interesting articles on the subject are easy to find.

When we become more conscious, and a coach can help with that, we start to realise that in most situations, if not all, we have options around how we behave. The exceptions are those where we are designed to survive and the automatic response serves us well, but we don’t need to operate in that mode all the time; in fact, it’s exhausting so maybe we ought not to.

Range of possible behaviours/actions

Many people who have worked with me know that I like a spectrum. Think in this way and you are, in my opinion, likely to act more adeptly. Remember: you probably wouldn’t shout at a client who annoyed you, so you are capable of not shouting at an employee.

Instead, think about your options. The full spectrum might range from “1 – do nothing” right through to “10 – lose the plot” (this also happens). You decide where on that spectrum your best response lies, and if you decide to lose the plot… well… at least it’s a conscious choice; for the avoidance of doubt it’s perhaps best not to.

And there it is: coaching 101: helping people be the best version of themselves. Reductive, I know, but deliberately so.

Good luck

May you succeed in devising your spectrum, your range of options, relating to a current aggravation or even as you ponder a historic situation where you could have handled yourself better. Let me know if you’d like my support.